update

Lots of stuff happening since my last post. I started dating a couple of weeks after the posting about Ali. It has been an exciting 4 months. I never thought I would feel like a teenager again. Not just thinking like one but really feeling the youthful excitement of discovery. My god what I have been missing! We have been making the most of the summer.

Two weeks ago my son left to join the Navy so the nest is really empty. Today the box with his clothes and personal items were at the front door. It was very strange to open that box. I know there are more feelings ahead but I am going to go through them one at a time.

Ali

Today I attended a memorial service for an eighteen year old girl who died of an overdose. I met her at several of my regular AA meetings. She was a quiet woman with a terrific smile. I spent this weekend in the mountains with a group of AA and Alanon members. Of course she was on my mind and was able to write part of my thoughts.

ALI

Your quiet spirit is all about

In the daffodils on the roadside

In the color of the tulips in the garden

In the blue sky above

I feel it in the breeze blowing across my face

I hear it in the bubbling stream

Still I miss your smile

Balance

In the last seven to ten days I have been very busy with Buddhist activities along with a number of social events with good friends. The combination has given me a real sense of gratitude (something that is hard for me to hold onto). While at times I am lonely and wish things were different I don’t “begrudge my life”. Sometime ago I heard a Buddhist speaker address this very subject. He reminded us that old age, sickness, and death are inevitable. So if we are complaining about life now how much more unhappy we will be when these are the essential facts of our lives. Yes, I am not satisfied with my life circumstances now but I have so much happiness and joy if I could only open my heart to it.

I heard this song Saturday night on my way home from a special birthday party. I was singing at the top of my lungs driving up the 5 Freeway. Thank to all of my friends…you teach me so much!

After he had journeyed,
And his feet were sore,
And he was tired,
He came upon an orange grove
And he rested
And he lay in the cool,
And while he rested, he took to himself an orange and tasted it,
And it was good.
And he felt the earth to his spine,
And he asked, and he saw the tree above him, and the stars,
And the veins in the leaf,
And the light, and the balance.
And he saw magnificent perfection,
Whereon he thought of himself in balance,
And he knew he was.

Just open your eyes,
And realize, the way it’s always been.
Just open your mind
And you will find
The way it’s always been.
Just open your heart
And that’s a start.

And he thought of those he angered,
For he was not a violent man,
And he thought of those he hurt
For he was not a cruel man
And he thought of those he frightened
For he was not an evil man,
And he understood.
He understood himself.

Upon this he saw that when he was of anger or knew hurt or felt fear,
It was because he was not understanding,
And he learned, compassion.

And with his eye of compassion.
He saw his enemies like unto himself,
And he learned love.
Then, he was answered.

Just open your eyes,
And realize, the way it’s always been.
Just open your mind
And you will find
The way it’s always been.
Just open your heart
And that’s a start.

Changing course?

It has taken two days of procrastination to write this. Like a number of things in my life fear is at the root of this procrastination. Slowly, very slowly, I am coming to terms with giving up a dream I’ve nurtured for quite awhile. Over a year ago I met a wonderful woman and we have become quite good friends. In my case I fell in love knowing she was not available. My hope has been the situation would change so my imagination has woven so many scenarios around a nonexistent relationship. There have been times in the last few months when I was so very close to accepting reality but I always found some bit of fantasy that would allow me maintain and even enhance my dream. On other occasions I simply told myself I am not giving in to reality, no matter what. Even as I write this I want to go back and dream some more.

 

You might ask if holding on to this fantasy made me feel better. The answer is yes but only for a very short time since most of the time I felt pretty low. The knowledge that this was not reality really kicked my butt. Again fear was the culprit. I was afraid to face facts; afraid to take the risk required to change. Recently I saw a production of The Man of La Mancha and like the title character I was afraid to look into the mirror. Monday night during my Buddhist practice I looked into the mirror and resolved to accept, simply to accept, nothing else. Do I feel any better tonight? No, tonight I am very sad but I can tell a slight change has taken place, just like a tiny change to a satellite will change its long range trajectory. Does this mean I will not go back to dreaming? I don’t know. I probably will have to try it again but I’ve made a decision not to rent a room in dreamland, maybe only a day visit.

 

gettin’ it done?

I am sitting here tonight determined to do something. I tell myself almost every night that  X, W, and Z will get done. “X” being to write even a few short lines about almost anything. So what happens…I come home, turn on the TV and prepare dinner which I eat in front of the TV. Guess what gets done…bupkus! Instead of the TV I listened to an AA speaker. I promised a friend several weeks ago I would let him know if I thought she would be a good candidate for our local convention. It turns out she attended the same meeting as I did for a long time. While listening I prepared and eat my dinner. I opened my mail, both snail and email. I followed that with my evening Buddhist chanting. Now I am writing…MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ain’t life grand!!!

Making the effort

Well the first month of the year is almost gone and the presidential election crapola is in full swing. Candidates calling each other names; others dropping out; endorsements coming out of all areas…I am tired of all it. Actually I try to pay as little attention to it as possible. I try to keep myself informed but I get so tired of all the rhetoric.

I have been in a hell of a funk for several months and find it difficult to have enthusiasm for much of anything. Can anyone explain why when we get into these emotional valleys we stop doing the things we know make us feel better? So I have decided to do just one thing a day that I know I will feel good about. My head tells me it will not help but when I look back at the history of my life it has always worked. So here’s to today’s effort.

Gone but not for good

It has been well over a month since I wrote anything for this site. I’ve been in a really funky place so I tend to sit and vegetate. Everyone knows not doing anything about your problems makes them go away, right? If you ignore them long enough they disappear. That may be true with email but it does not seem to work very well with my feelings.

 

As most of my friends know I have been studying (I use the term loosely) Buddhism for the last several years. Just recently a very dear friend introduced me to a group of Buddhists who live near me. One of them is a woman who exudes a joy for living that I cannot fathom. She is so full of happiness to simply share her faith with others it is truly amazing. Because of this recent contact I have been studying some writings by Nichiren Daishonin, a 13^th century Japanese teacher. Here is a quote from a writing entitled The Three Kinds of Treasures that really stuck me.

“It is rare to be born a human being. The number of those endowed with human life is as small as the amount of earth one can place on a fingernail. Life as a human being is hard to sustain—as hard as it is for dew to remain on the grass. But it is better to live a single day with honor than to live to 120 and die in disgrace.”

So many days I have great difficulty being grateful. These four sentences really tell me how blessed I truly am no matter what my life looks or feels like.

Magic Wand

As I said at the end of my last posting a friend asked me “If you could wave a magic wand, what would your life be like?” Two weeks later and I have not puzzled out the fear evoked by the question. I am still afraid to speak or write the words. My real fear is what I would want in my life cannot happen. For reasons like I am too old. There are a ton of them. I am not talking about winning the Lotto or the things money can buy. What I want most is to be able to enjoy and share the rest of my life another person, preferably a lady. I know it is impossible to truly appreciate and enjoy life as long as I am looking at what is missing. I have so many good friends and good things in my life I don’t understand how can I not be grateful. Is there any spiritual way that does not instruct people to give thanks for what they have? I know of none; of course I am no spiritual giant. It takes work and willingness to make the monumental effort required. I am not sure I am able to make that big of a step but I can simply say “Thanks”. I am starting right now…Thanks!

 

Lastly I want to share a portion of a song written by Judy Collins called Song for Judith (Open the Door). It certainly describes the friendships I have today.

            Open the door and come on in
            I’m so glad to see you my friend
            You’re like a rainbow comin around the bend
            And when I see you smilin
            Well, it sets my heart free
            I’d like to be as good a friend to you
            As you are to me

Back home…Uck!!!

The trip to St. Louis was a great time and sadly had to come to an end. Today I went back to work and I can tell you it was damned hard to go back. Once there, the day was good but I would have rather stayed in bed. Last night I did anything I could to avoid getting ready for work. The trip was emotional and exciting so going back to work meant it was really over. In the past going home to visit family was not something I would describe as exciting. Most often it felt like an obligation. But as I get older I appreciate my family and how much I love them. More importantly I appreciate their love for me.  

Still I question both of those ideas…can I really love someone else and am I someone who can be loved by others. The problem rests in my mind…it always has. I do not see myself or the world as it really is. My head always puts some kind of spin on reality. As long as I can remember I wished I was someone else; that I was someplace else. That kind of thinking leads me to believe I can neither love or be loved because there is something wrong with me. Every now and then I see life as it is and know my life is the best it has ever been. This clarity comes as the result of my being around and talking to my friends.

Tonight a friend asked me what my life would be like if I could wave a magic wand. I was afraid to tell her. I am afraid what I want is out of reach so I don’t even want to talk about it. I doubt this makes sense to many people but I believe my friends know what I am talking about. They continue to save my ass. Thanks to all of them!!!

Trip to St. Louis

I am getting ready to take another trip. This time I will be going back to St. Louis, MO. The big attraction is my 40^th high school reunion. Maybe I should not have mentioned how long it is in case some you think I am a youngster. Of course most of you already know me so there is no pulling the wool over your eyes.

I will be seeing my sister and other family members which is always special for me. My sister and I are very close but unfortunately are not able to spend much time together. On Labor Day we will be going out to rural Illinois for a family gathering at a local church hall. There were only about 1600 people in my hometown when I was a kid. There were more people on the Sun Princess cruise…unbelievable. Both sets of grandparents and several aunts and uncles lived within 5 or 6 blocks of our house. We saw each other all the time and on most summer nights some family member visited. Growing up I hated the small town where everyone knew you and what you did. I really could not wait to get out of there. I think that is one reason I went away to high school. Now I look forward to going back to that little town. With age the memory of the bad feelings have faded away.

I have not been to any of my reunions so this is something new for me. It seems there have been a number of new happenings this year. One of the reasons I wanted to go the reunion is that there are a number of names on the class list with the annotation: deceased.

Mine was not your normal high school. I attended a Catholic seminary, studying for the priesthood so no girls. There were no proms or any of the activities ordinarily associated with high school. In my junior year a number of major changes took place. Previously it had been a six year program but that year it became a four year school. That meant the school began to participate in competitive sports with area high schools. I clearly remember the first time a basketball team came to play in our gym. Along with the team came the cheerleaders. There were more students at that game than ever before. It was a red letter day for everyone.

I have had no contact with any of my classmates since graduation so this is going to be quite an experience. Since I no longer attend church but have become a Buddhist I am worried about attending the Mass which is the first event of the reunion. I will be looking overhead for any lightening bolts that may be aimed my way. If there are no posting after next Sunday you will know I was not able to move fast enough.